Misanthropic wallows in the city of dreams.
Three days in the most splendid city I have ever laid eyes on. A city bathed in warmth and filled with the kindest of people. Sunshine, non-depressing temperatures, friendly faces, shared meals (and good food!). Learning. Novelty. A trip full of some of the best things life has to offer.
I have had evenings full of fantastic conversations, I have laughed at stupid jokes, and explored this absolute pearl of a city.
And yet now, by the end of it, I can't help but feel completely and utterly alone.
Alone, as in physically alone, with no physical closeness to any other person, and the only people I have any regular physical closeness with are half a continent away.
Alone, as in mentally on a different plane, where relationships are impossible. Like nobody cares about the things that I care about.
Alone, as in disconnected from the rest of humankind. Sometimes I like to watch people go about their day; other times (like 30 minutes ago), it just gives me this bottomless, dreadful feeling of not actually being part of the rest of humanity. Instead, I feel like an alien, or a misanthrope, derealized from the rest of you.
Very rarely does anyone ever see the actual me. Some (like today) get glimpses. But that's rare, and I would hazard a guess that it's pretty rare in general for people to put their souls on display. It requires an extreme level of vulnerability and trust in the other person. But I promise, I am here, in the very back of my head, hiding behind all the machinery that jerks the muscles of my face and makes the words that come out sound reasonably coherent to the rest of you.
The last time someone looked into my eyes and saw the real me was two years ago. And before that, I don't even remember. If you have any tips for having this experience more often, hit me up.[[1n]]
[[1n]]: Fr. I am actually desperate.
Apanthropy
On the one hand, I want to be completely alone. Taking long walks by myself, or staying up late when everyone else has gone to sleep. I yearn for the silence in my mind that only occurs when I have been by myself for a long time.
It can be both mundane things, sorting out the spaghetti of threads you're juggling in the background and ripping them out one by one, examining them, and then filing them away or throwing them in the trash. It's the basic method I have of calming my mind when it's in a frazzled state. I take notes with a Pocket, sometimes 20+ in a single walk.[[2n]]
[[2n]]: Not affiliated, but I do like the product
And more importantly: Incredible things happen when you are truly forced to look in the mirror and examine what the fuck you are doing. Like, just try standing in front of an actual mirror and look at yourself in your own eyes. Do it for 2 minutes straight, and things start to get uncomfortable. Why do I let myself look and feel like shit? I should shave; I look even more depressed than I feel. This weirdo who's staring at me can't actually be me, can it? Why do I continue to do things that aren't aligned with how I want to spend my very finite weeks here on earth?
These reflections are usually deeply uncomfortable but profound experiences, and they only get examined when I shut the rest of the world out.
And finally, and maybe most importantly, being alone is how I recharge my mental batteries. It's my reset button. Go too long without it, and my mind gets disassociated with the rest of the world. Not fun.
Less flatteringly, being alone is my safe space where I can be myself, and think thoughts I wouldn't dare with anybody else around.
Gregariousness
I don't want to be this way, though. I want to have friends again. Friends who care about the things I care about. Who I can talk to about real shit. I want to be able to enjoy good company without getting depressed. I want long, deep conversations about things that matter. Like, what actually does matter in life? What are we going to do when AI takes all our jobs? Why do I seem incapable of taking initiative in regard to anything at all? What is actually important to you? To me? Why?
I live for the moments when you reach down into the depths of someone's soul and see them for who they really are.
I want to be the kind of person who
- Goes into a bar for a drink alone, and makes friends with strangers
- Actively tries to invite interesting-seeming people to further engagements (e.g., makes new friends)
- Has a social circle of same-wavelength, cést la vie-minded people who also like getting into the weeds of our finitude and the vastness of possible experience.
- Goes soul-diving
So that's where my mind's at right now. Like always: Lots of thoughts and aspirations, but limited potential for action.
And all I loved, I loved Alone.